So did anyone else think that the guy who played Pavel Chekov in the new star trek film was freakin adorable??

I hope writing about it will make me feel better.  I've not really utilized a journal before, so i figure why not see if a good old vent on my account here will make me feel better, and its got the possibility of people giving me advice so its even better.  
I'm 29 and my fiancee was killed in a car accident in 2006.  I loved him so much.  He was my first boyfriend, (we met when i was 22) he was my first EVERYTHING.   I've always been introverted and shy, typical bookworm geek girl.  He changed my world when we met, by our 2nd date we were completely enamoured of each other  (i could tell he felt the same way i did, which to me was amazing, boys never paid me much attention.)

Where I was the quiet mouse, he was the roaring lion, almost literally.  He had been singing in a hardcore band for about 7 years when he met me, for those of you who dont know what hardcore is, the band Hatebreed is probably the most famous hardcore band now.  Needless to say, the music is intense, and in your face.  Just trying to give you an idea of his personality.  When I was a teenager, I used to daydream about my future boyfriend/husband, and I NEVER pictured him like John!  I always thought i'd end up with someone like me, quiet and shy.  When I graduated from college i moved out of my parents house and lived with John in his hometown (about 7 hour drive away from my friends and family.)    So I was completely absorbed in his life, and I was deleriously happy.   The happiest I'd ever been.  I'm not good at making friends, probably because I was such a bookworm at such a young age, and tended to be a bit lazy, i'd much rather read than go to the effort of making friends. So it was easy in a sense to make John's life and routine my own.  He also gave me much more self confidence.   While we were together he became a fitness trainer and planned to own his own gym one day. (Before we met he'd lost 130 lbs on his own)  At my request, he helped me lose the 25 extra pounds i'd always carried around, which of course only gave me more self esteem.  

I was always amazed at the depth of his love for me, and even a few years into our relationship, marvel at how lucky i was.   I dont want to say anything terribly cheesy, but I cant help it, we had a fairytale relationship.   Of course we had squabbles now and then, but never anything big.  Our personalities just meshed too  well.  As you can tell I adored him.  He was my life.  I just shattered when he died.  According to what I was told, he died at the scene soon after it happened.   Sometimes I hate myself that I am still crushed by it.  He made me stronger than this, but I cant help it.  I often remind myself that there are people in the world who have it MUCH worse than I do.  Iraq war widows my age or younger who have fatherless children.  I know i'm not the only person whose gone through this, there are horrendous car accidents every day.  I hate feeling sorry for myself, but I still start to sob out of nowhere sometimes.  For some reason this past month has been particularly bad.  Its been almost three years for christ sake!! I dont know what the hell is wrong with me.  I'm still screaming inside.  Anyway this month.......i dont know why this month is so bad.  Although our anniversary is in Feb, it was around the start of spring that our relationship really started getting intense and thats probably why.   I have a good 9 to 5 job that i like well enough, and that I know i'm lucky to have.  I've been getting my work done.  But during the weekends this month i can hardly get out of bed. I've just been feeling crushed by grief.  

The really difficult part is that I miss BEING in a relationship.  I miss LOVE.  I can only compare it to going through withdrawal.  I know there have been medical tests done where they have measured the brain waves or the brain chemicals of people who are in love, and that they had measured a difference in the dopamine or something like that.  I totally believe that now.  I believe i'm experiencing what could partly at least be called withdrawal.  I'm fucking sick of the pain.  It will be three years this summer, and its still not gotten better.  I just think about all the years I have left in my life, and I cant fucking take being in this pain for that long.   I dont want you to mistake me here.  The pain isn't horrible every minute of every day, I have a few people in my life that I can talk to and hang out with and still have a good time.  I have a few hobbies I enjoy, and in the near future I will be able to do more traveling which I am looking forward to.  I guess i'm saying i know there are still things in life to enjoy and which i do still enjoy.  But in the back of everything is always this cloud, heavier at times than others.   I know now what people mean when they say they have a weight on their shoulders.  Grief does weigh you down and I know it has aged me.  Since his death i've gained the weight back that i lost (i'm size 12 now)  but what really surprised me initially are the lines and marks of age that appeared on my face.  I'm sure a few are normal for aging 3 years, but i feel like i have alot for 29.  Dammit.

Anyway.  The past year i've tried to get back on track and i've been exercising and trying to eat right, like i know how to do.  But this month has been so bad. I feel like i spend almost every moment by myself crying.  I'm so damn lonely.  I've gone on a few dates and nothing came of it.  I've even had a couple of guys freak out on me when they learn about my previous relationship and what happened.  I've only gone out on like 4 dates since he died though. I'm just so shy its so HARD for me to meet guys.  I never go to bars/clubs etc. they've always intimidated me.  I've been thinking about forcing myself to go to some when the loneliness gets really bad, but i'm terrified of just sitting at the bar while girls alot prettier than me get all the attention.   To give you an idea, on a scale of 1 to 10 on a GOOD day, i'm probably a 5 at best, if i put makeup on and pick out my clothes carefully. Day to day though, I cant be bothered with makeup, and i'm a jeans and tshirt girl.  So I just feel like most guys wont give me a chance, so why even put myself through that? 

Let me tell you something though, I DO understand now why some women will throw themselves at men they just met and sleep around.  I will never pass judgement on someone like that again, because I KNOW that temptation.  Its not even about sex, its about the feeling of being loved that physical affection gives you.  I'm telling you, the  O is just a sidenote, especially since any battery powered device can deliver that.  And lets face it, most women, even us not so pretty ones, can get laid if we want to.  I know i could have.  I'm proud to say that I resisted that temptation when it was really strong, if only for my own safety (diseases and all that.)           

Well, i've exhausted myself now, and I think writing has made me feel a little better.  Please feel free to respond with any comments or advice you like.   Including telling me that i'm just a crazy person, haha.  :-p

original.adultfanficti····00099076      Thank me later!   lol